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Post by kathryn on Jan 4, 2010 12:46:32 GMT -6
Looking around, it seems like most of us are ex-Christians in some way or another. After Steve's interesting post on his own de-Christianizing, I started to wonder what others' processes were like. Anybody want to share their spiritual story?
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Post by juliet on Jan 6, 2010 0:38:15 GMT -6
Well, mine was a mostly gradual process. But, I can remember being about 12 years old and wondering if I was really saved. I had a wonderful childhood, mostly and was a good kid...Youth pastor's kid...even the preacher's kids I knew were all good kids.
But, even then, I didn't feel what I thought I was supposed to. Fast forward to adult life and the little nigglings started adding up. They came to full blown "permission to question" after my husband started really questioning his faith and began reading a number of books on faith, religion, history of Christianity, etc., including Dawkins' The God Delusion. I was a bit afraid to pick that one up, but so glad I did. That permission to question I granted myself after reading that book was like the crack in the windshield that spread and branched with just the right pressure. When the windshield of faith is cracked like that, you just gotta do something about it so you can see where you are going.
That was within the last year and a half or so. I'm still pretty quiet about it. My family doesn't know. My parents are divorced but still devout in their beliefs. My brother is in the military and has the "Let go, Let God" philosophy, though he'll probably be the first I'll tell.
I don't call myself either agnostic or atheist, though I won't be offended if someone else calls me that. I prefer to define myself by what I do believe in, and the Humanist philosophy seems to be in line with my recent thinkings.
Interestingly, I've come to appreciate religion as a humanity. There was a time before my de-indoctrination that I didn't go to church (another small story) and I missed the routines and rituals. Then, as a musician, I played in some church cantatas for Christmas '08 and Easter '09. The services were extremely uncomfortable for me. But, this year, I had an experience during a church service (while I was playing) that was truly divine. One song was just so beautiful to me and moved me in a way I had not been moved in a church in a long time. Made me realize that participating in the familiar rituals were comforting. So, while I no longer shared the faith with the audience, I shared the experiences of music, celebration, and rememberance of peace on earth and good will toward men. Funny, the baptist pastor surprised me, because that's what he said, "We are here to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas...(waiting for "the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ")...peace on earth and good will towards men." After that (still a week before Christmas), I comfortably added "Merry Christmas" back into my greetings. Still used "Happy Holidays", mostly.
That's the latest chapter of my story, ending with this. I made a "ritual" of sorts for myself for New Year's Day. I got 9 votive candle holders (because that's how many were in this set I got as a gift 5 years ago) and wrote the 9 most important values I have this new year. I wrote in a Sharpie, but I know how to get it off glass in case another value makes itself prominent over the next 12 months. As I lit each candle, I said, "I light this candle of...to remind me that..." I played some music, drank some tea, contemplated the flames and felt well in my spirit.
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Post by mrsconfused on Jan 6, 2010 16:29:25 GMT -6
That New Year's ritual sounds really nice Juliet. And it's funny, because I feel the exact same way you do about music. I have felt more alive playing the violin than I ever did going to church. I actually felt "saved" playing Rachmoninoff's 2nd Piano Concerto, only "saved" through music and not God. This was after all the mess I write about below. Anyway, I too play in churches for Easter/Christmas services (I love cantatas!) and there is a Baptist church that I've played in the past 3 years that makes me feel very uncomfortable. But, it's good money and I love playing, so I do it.
Anyway, my issues with religion (any, not just Christianity) started about 10 years ago while I was in high school. I was "saved" in middle school while at a Lutheran church camp. I remember the first night of that camp, looking around at the people with their hands waving in the air, and wondering what I was doing there. By the end though, they had sucked me in good. I've always had problems with my self esteem and my camp counselor told me that God (and Jesus) love me for who I am and that is all that matters. So, I went with it. I was very happy for years, went to youth group, church with my parents, on Young Life trips, etc... Then, when I was 15, I started dating a guy. I fell in love, he told me he loved me (lie) and ended up making me do things that I never wanted to do. Physically and in other ways. Long story short, I got in some trouble with the law because of him, and we broke up. I remember going to church with my parents after all this happened thinking, "What have I done, Lord, to deserve this? Why have you deserted me?" I would sit in my room flipping through the Bible looking for passages to help me get over my pain. Nothing worked to get rid of the pain, of course, except time. By the time I got to college, I had pretty much given up on God. I tried going to different churches, looking for Him all the time. I would go to Christian bookstores, buying books like crazy (I'm a librarian-wanna-be, I read when I need answers), I talked to my Christian friends, but nothing worked. I have been looking for Him for 10 years and have nothing to show for it. Does it count with God if you tried? If you want to believe, but can't find Him?
So... after all that, I'm married to a cradle Catholic, whose parents and family are very devout. I know they would like me to convert, but I won't. I know they want our children to be raised Catholic, but they probably won't. I know we'll probably baptize him/her, but I'm not going to force religion on him/her. I've learned that you don't have to be religious to be a good person. I think I'm a pretty good example of that. My boss (who I mentioned in another post) is a minister's wife, and she is not a nice person, at all. I can't believe that she'll get into heaven (if it exists) and I won't. I'm mostly sad at this point.
I'm currently reading two books, "I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist" and "Atheism Explained." As I said before, I read when I need answers so I'm hoping these will help a little bit.
Sorry for the novel, but it felt good to write all that.
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rosa
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Post by rosa on Jan 6, 2010 17:19:47 GMT -6
My parents are both devout, but pretty mainstream; my mom sold Amway for a while, though, and we often got invited to giant suburban megachurches by her Amway friends. Plus during that period (I was about 8-12) there was only Christian music in our house. Then we moved to a different town & my mom finished her master's degree and went back to full time work (she was a SAHM til I was in 7th grade, pretty much.) I also had to re-do confirmation classes, because our old church did them 5-7th grade and the new church (same denomination) did them 7-9th grade. I was an obnoxious kid, reading a lot of science fiction and always speaking up in class...I sat in the back of the confirmation class while everyone else was memorizing the Apostle's Creed and whatnot, reading the Bible and asking questions that completely floored the teacher. I got shut down a lot and decided I was an atheist like any rational person (I read way too much Heinlein, among other bad habits.)
I still had to go to church, though. It was not optional. In college I got more spiritual; I took yoga classes & had good experience with reiki & traditional chinese medicine, became more aware of the natural world, read a lot of deep ecology texts & lesbian separatist stuff, and ecologist farmers like Wendell Berry. I took a look at my beliefs (basically, that there is a spiritual energy in the world and the distribution/actions of it probably look a lot like the eternal reuse of elements in the physical world) and went looking for a "church" that matched that belief. Attended a bunch of buddhist and neopagan things, finally hooked up with the Church of All Worlds which is geeky (founded at a SF con in the 70s), pro-sex, and ecumenical (the CAW nest I belonged to here until it fell apart was made up of buddhists, agnostics, Catholic and Jewish pagans, one Methodist, and several varieties of Wiccans). I'm still a CAW member through a campground I belong to in another state, but after our local nest fell apart I started attending the Methodist church on our block, which is a community church with a very strong queer and pagan presence.
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Post by kathryn on Jan 7, 2010 17:35:15 GMT -6
Rosa, I wonder if we're from the same neck of the woods. I grew up about a mile from the main Amway guy's summer house, in a part of the country that has quite a lot of megachurches. I also LOVE Wendell Berry (which has nothing to do with geography, just saying).
I keep meaning to post my own story-- the most recent part is very confusing and I'd like to share it with somebody, but I don't have time right now. Thanks for everybody who did share.
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rosa
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Posts: 27
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Post by rosa on Jan 8, 2010 11:13:12 GMT -6
The Amway & megachurches were in the suburbs of Des Moines, Iowa. I grew up in different parts of Iowa (0-4 in the river country on the East side, 4-5 near Milwaukee, WI, 5-12 in West Des Moines, 12-17 in a factory town in the NW). I live in Minneapolis now, inside the ring of anti-abortion billboards the megachurches sponser to keep folks like me out of their suburbs
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Post by kathryn on Jan 9, 2010 14:23:20 GMT -6
So that's what those billboards are for! Good to know. I'm from Michigan-- the Dutch Calvinist part-- some of which leaked over into Iowa, if I remember. My mom grew up as a pastor's kid in Iowa Falls.
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